Setup:

1. Before set up: Check under and around Wigglin’ Waterpillar™ for sharp objects, rocks, sticks, lawn sprinklers or any other object that can cause injury or damage to the product. Set up on flat lawn surface, free of depressions or high spots.
2. The product should be at least 10 feet (305 cm) away on all slides from trees, walls holes, garden equipment, pools and other objects.
3. Connect a standard water hose (not included) to the attachment on the base of base.

[...]

After Use:

1. Turn off water hose when product is not in use.
2. Detach garden hose.
3. Do not store Wigglin’ Waterpillar™ until all parts are completely dry, away from children, to prevent suffocation.

This is exactly how the instructions appeared. Any and all typos have been faithfully reproduced. I have only left out the “Use” section as it wasn’t very funny.

According to a police report, a tree was stolen from the backyard of a home ….
The tree may have been chopped down and taken away, the report states.

May have been chopped down? They aren’t sure? Who chops down a tree to steal it?

Because we are looking for the cartilage, my first stop was for an injection of contrast dye (gadolinium). A fairly simple procedure, we started with a couple of x-rays to get an overview of my shoulder, then a flouroscope to help the physician insert a needle into the joint into which he then injected the dye.

Probably the most interesting parts of the day were feeling the fluid balloon, at least what felt like ballooning, out the back of my shoulder; and then seeing the remaining image on the fluoroscope screen of the needle in the midst of my shoulder with the dye coming out. Very interesting that. The downside is that as the Lidocaine wears off and the fluid begins to be absorbed, my shoulder aches.

Next up: the MRI. I have been told the machines can be a bit claustrophobic and noisy. That is an understatement.

I’m not terribly claustrophobic, so the small confined space wasn’t a bother. Frankly the inside of the machine reminded me of standing up in an airplane with my face inches from the bottom of the overhead bin. It looks exactly like that.

The good news: I was lying down and not standing with my neck craned over to avoid hitting the bin. The bad news: I had to remain motionless for the next half hour.

Having removed only essential items — eye glasses, wallet and belt (I didn’t bother wearing my ring and watch) — I was fully dressed. When the machine was turned on I got to experience what mostly felt like slight tugging and small static shocks dancing around the rivets on my Levis. That was pretty cool.

Then the noise started. The best way I can describe it is a bad haunted house. You’ve been to those, yes? The ones where they try to scare you with intermittent loud noises — someone banging on the walls with hammers, klaxons sounding periodically. Except in this case they hadn’t quite worked out that it is scary only when intermittent. If you bang continuously and leave the klaxon running its not scary, just really annoying. In fact, as the tones changed and moved about, I had to keep myself from laughing at the absurdity of it.

And loud. I can’t begin to tell you how loud. Over-the-top loud. Have you had fire drills in your building? With the really annoying electric beeping? Its like that. With someone hammer on metal. And occasionally sounding an air horn 2 feet away. I mean, forget waterboarding, just put detainees in an MRI for a really comprehensive exams. I guarantee, whom ever invents an MRI that is half as loud will make millions. And the current models will ensure National Security.

After a half hour of torturous, silly noise, I was free. A small headache and a large cache of images in hand I was headed home. I must say that flipping through the films is pretty cool. (Yes, film, not CD. My doctor apparently prefers the films.) And while I’m not expert, in looking at the back portion of my shoulder joint there seems to be a bit of something poking out the back that doesn’t look quite right.

We’ll see what the expert says in a couple of weeks.

Update

(3/13/2009)
The doctor’s review of the MRI concludes that there is a minor anterior tear or two. For now he has proscribed physical therapy. In a couple of months we’ll re-evalutate.

How does a pickle live on the Earth?
How does an eyeball go for a walk?
How does a lightbulb eat?

• Minor carpel tunnel syndrome in the left hand (the hand without many problems)
• Ganglion cyst in right wrist
• torn ligament in right middle finger (which hurts like a bitch and will take a year to heal)
• possible thyroid issues

The good news, the rest of me is just fine and dandy. I continue to have good cholesterol levels and the other test all look good.

To celebrate, Sarah took me away for the weekend. I had no idea what we were doing until we were there. She booked a room at the new MGM Grand Detroit with dinner at Bourbon Steak. Jack and Kristen meet up with us for drinks, dessert and a little gambling.

I capped the night by playing Let It Ride from midnight to 2:00. I sat down with $100 and walked with $360. No, it’s not a lot, but it was better than walking with 0.

In addition to the decade change for me, today is also my mom’s birthday, so a big Happy Birthday to her.

Finally, I have also now lived in the Detroit metro area longer than I lived in the suburbs of Grand Rapids.

She said yes.

Now:
I sit in our beautiful house listening to her and our daughter upstairs getting ready for bed.

The risk of that night was certainly worth it.

We started to look into replacements, but while stores sell the size we need none of them actually have them in stock. I really don’t want to by a new oven sight-unseen.

Happy birthday pumpkin.